Darth Xander
by Goddess Heather
Summary: Title: Darth Xander


Title: Darth Xander  
  
Summary: 5th in the Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of a Good Used Car  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Notes: umm I don't think there's a point to this story, but I was sleep deprived and therefore susceptible to plotbunnies. They breached my outer defenses late last night and this is what happened. Words of warning to others, if the salesman promises 100% satisfaction then he's lying.  
  
Xander gingerly pushed open the Magic Box's doors, careful to not touch door handles and pressed his shoulder against the glass. He shuffled carefully down the steps bypassing any thing that might be remotely metal and carefully sat in a wooden chair. Where he remained for two hours.  
  
Spike entered the shop. A maniacal gleam entered Xander's eyes, fortunately no one was looking at him. He slowly got up, carefully by-passes the metal shelving, and approached Spike. Spike sensed that something was going on with Xander, but not what. Therefore he was quite surprised when Xander approached him and stopped within touching distance. He opened his mouth to say something, when he smelled the quite fear, and slight trepidation coming from Xander.  
  
Xander extended his hand with his index finger pointed toward Spike. He slowly brought the finger forward. When it was about two inches from Spike's nose a `bolt of mini lighting' shot from his finger to Spike. "What in the bleedin' `ell was that for!?!"  
  
Xander crowed "I AM HOT SHIT!!!!" Then he looked rather puzzled. "Suddenly I feel like I should be wearing a `Sith Lords Kick Ass' shirt and black leather pants. And sneering at pathetic twits of the light." A shudder coursed through him, "over it." Somewhere far, far away, many trillions of cyper-space miles away a black and red tattooed Sith with horns shuddered and his annoying yet oh so handsome twit of a neighbor looked up from his ministrations.  
  
"Maulie? Are you okay?"  
  
"I had this over-whelming urge to join the light and fight the forces of darkness! Thank the Dark Sith Gods that it passed!" And he proceeded to use the force in very naughty ways.  
  
Readers get decidedly nauseous seeing the entire World Wide Web speed by them in nanoseconds and then are back in the Musi-ahem Magic Box, where apparently no time had passed. Convenient, no?  
  
"Xander! That is so out of character for you!" Willow exclaimed.  
  
"I know! Kass sent Heather this site url and she's spent all week reading Sith Academy stories. She's got Sith on the brain, that's for sure!"  
  
"Well it wasn't very nice to have you shock me! My nose still hurts! Why hasn't my vampirc healing kicked in, hummm?"  
  
"What I want to know is if there's going to be a point to this story! We have to start researching immediately there is."  
  
Xander shook his head. "That's it as far as I can tell. But I tell ya! I don't know what's been happening, alignment of the planets, the weather, these nifty new shoes or a combination of the above, but I've lived in fear of metals for a week now! I've become some kind of super-electric conductor or something. That thing with Spike? Tip of the ice-berg my friends!"  
  
"Oh Dear! I believe with just stumbled along the plot!"  
  
"That'll make Heather's job easier! But that still doesn't help me. I mean what am I suppose to do? Not even cloth provides enough shielding for me any more." Xander sighed dramatically. "I really need some chocolate."  
  
Spike looked over at Xander. "Chocolate won't solve your problems, and if you eat enough of it, it'll cause more!"  
  
"I am well aware of chocolate's properties. It contains phenylethylamine for one thing, it raises serotonin, which is like a natural Prozac, maybe you should have some chocolate Spike, and releases beta endorphins in the brain."  
  
Everyone in the Magic Box turned and looked at Xander in shock. He looked back at them defensively, "I'm well aware that I have low beta endorphins and crave chocolate to help normalize them and that I try to fulfill the fact that I feel unloved with phenylethylamine." He took in their blank looks, "phenylethylamine is very similar to the types of chemicals released when people fall in love. If ya can't feel fulfilled for real, just chemically induce it. It's like America's motto."  
  
"I'll give you fulfillment." Spike pulled Xander flush to him and dipped planting his lips firmly against Xander's in a display that made Buffy gag, Giles reach for a tissue to clean his glasses and Dawn hot under the collar.  
  
Xander stood there blinking for a moment before dragging Spike toward the door. "Wait what about the static electricity?"  
  
"It'll spice up the sex."  
  
The End  
  
Sadly the static thing has been occurring to me, but hasn't spiced up my sex life....I think you need one before you can spice it up. The chocolate stuff is true. 


End file.
